8 Mile (2002)

A perfect, innocent rap angel is oppressed and beset all sides by the evil devil people who surround him and live only to ruin and destroy him. An unbiased depiction of Eminem's early life.



Jet Force Gemini (1999)
What is he holding?

First you watch a bunch of great-looking cutscenes, then create a save slot (press one button, looks really cool), then sit back for some more cutscenes. Then walk for about 15 seconds, then talk to a guy who offers to show you a long cutscene (psychically). Then your character walks across a large field. Then, after nearly an hour invested, the gameplay finally starts and it is awful.

There's not much going on in terms of level design or game mechanics, so they just made the controls difficult - hyper sensitive and your aim is constantly dragging - to disguise the fact. This is what happens when you spend all your budget on cutscenes.



Super Mario RPG (1996)

I've not liked video games before, but this gave me a special kind of profound disappointment, not commensurate with the ~$5 I payed for it on the Wii Store (RIP).

I spent roughly twenty years hearing about how great this is and hearing it called a classic. It's the same boring Mario look and the same boring Mario plot (Bowser kidnaps the Princess... with a twist). It's the most tedious gameplay a JRPG has ever had, and in a genre that's driven by story, you can't do much with characters whose personalities are one word or less.



Why The Romantics Matter

The second chapter, called 'Romantic Psychology', is a rambling essay about modernism that doesn't even slightly imply what it has to do with the romantics. And as far as essays about modernism goes, it's terrible. It's completely unfocused, pointless, uninteresting, and apparently wasn't even glanced at by an editor. I stopped reading after that.



Paths Of Glory (1957)

Ridiculous. And cowardly. If he'd made this movie about his own country's military, and not an country with fighting on its own soil, he'd have had his career destroyed. If Kubrick hadn't made it, no one would take this seriously.



Live And Let Die (1973)

This has my vote for worst James Bond movie. Even a silly movie like Moonraker has its charms and some good action sequences.


James Bond is completely out-of-place in a blaxploitation film. Roger Moore is bland and obnoxious; he was never the best Bond, but he's a lot more watchable in any other Bond film. Every scene is flat and tiresome and misses the mark. In the dramatic climax, the main villain gets blown up like a balloon (pictured).


In the very last scene, we find out the moral of the story is that Voodoo is real, even though Voodoo was only tangential to the plot. It's like if Godfather ended with Michael turning to the camera and saying, "I guess what we've all learned in these last few months is that oranges are delicious".



Swann's Way/In Remembrance Of Things Past/In Search Of Lost Time/Etc. - Marcel Proust

I must be some kind of idiot, because when I read about bored rich people being bored of boring situations, I don't quiver with excitement.



Decline and Fall - Evelyn Waugh

I got to the racist chapter, and that was a it for me.


Why bother trying to decode the author's intentions? Maybe he didn't mean it and was trying to say something about his characters? I tried to convince myself of that for the first few pages, but by the end of the chapter telling myself that would be nothing but wilful blindness. Maybe it was more acceptable back then - I almost always get a 'standards of the day' lecture when I write something like this - but does that mean we should shrug it off? Five years later Hitler was a quite popular writer and normal by the standards of the day.


Trash is trash, no matter how much you analyse it or pretend that seeing it through ten layers of witty detachment makes it any better.



Fallout 2 (1998)
Roughly the point where I lost interest in the game.

When I was about 15, a friend of mine strongly encouraged me to play this. It's too bad, because I probably would have liked it if I'd played it back then. Now a complicated RPG feels like doing chores, and what teenage me would have thought was dark and edgy seems bland and drab.