Crimson Tide (1995)

Some folks on a submarine decide to have a mutiny, but first they have to ask Aragorn's permission because he has the keys to submarine and a gun. Aragorn tragically contemplates whether or not to mutiny for a few seconds, then goes all in.

The captain and some of his friends decide to start a counter-mutiny, so they go to Aragorn, who bites his clenched fist while suffering under the weight of such a monumental decision, then joins up. Then there's a counter-counter mutiny which Aragon joins with great reluctance and so on and so on for about two hours. At the end of the movie, the mutiny leader and the captain shake hands and agree that the real treasure was friendship all along.



Watchmen The Movie (2009)

I can't believe that someone could read Watchmen what must have been dozens or hundreds of times and still completely miss the point. The original comic book is a lot of things, but it's not subtle about the super heroes being pathetic and unheroic. It's like if someone made a detailed film adaptation of To Kill A Mockingbird, and the entire focus was on sewing costumes for school plays.



Love, Death And Robots

Apparently they wanted to do something like 'Neo-Tokyo', or 'Heavy Metal', or 'Memories', but whatever weird cultural conditions that made those movies possible are long, long gone. Instead, this is very, very fancy CGI with writing that ranges from below-average to cringey. A lot of one-dimensional characters, a lot of jokes that don't land, a lot of extremely old science-fiction cliches exhumed and presented with as little enthusiasm as possible.

The constant attempts at edginess in 'Love, Death And Robots' are offset by the fact that all of the stories are older than Poodle Skirts. No amount of CGI titty is going to cover the fact that they're selling young people watered-down versions of stories that were written before sitcom married couples slept in separate beds.

I want to say that this is an example of style over substance, but those old anthologies managed to be cool in spite of or because of style over substance. Besides 'Love, Death and Robots' isn't really that stylish, in spite of the top-notch CGI. I kept going 'Wow, that CGI is marginally better than CGI from two years ago!', then getting quickly bored of scenes that were basically visually uninteresting. I have no idea what kind of decision-making process lead to such a poorly-executed project.



Faraway, So Close (1993)

I really wanted to like this because I liked the first one so much. But, really, it's unfocused, dumb, ruins all the characters, and the plot is that they're preventing Germans from watching porn?



Scent Of A Woman (1992)

This hasn't aged well. It's 90sish in the worst way possible. Like A Few Good Men, someone has proven that this movie can be edited down to less than 3 minutes without losing any important plot points or characterization.



Ellen DeGeneres: Relatable (2018)

Before having a daytime talk show, Ellen was one of the best stand-up comedians out there. On this 68-minute Netflix comedy special, she actually manages to remember to do an entire 14 minutes of good stand up in between her Gelman-and-Cody-are-doing-great personal life fan updates. I'm happy to see Ellen be successful, and I'm happy to see her having fun, but I just can't dig the weird obsessive fan ego-feeding relationship, or the gigantic Oprah head she's developed as a result.



Unbreakable (2000)

The whole thing is a set up for sequels. It was way ahead of its time, as it predicted our current modern flood of failed/boring franchises planned out long before the first movie starts filming.



The Fix (2018)

Americans and Canadians can't do comedy panel shows. Even if they are extremely funny comedians, they are always awful on a panel compared to Brits and Aussies and Irish. The South Africans and Kiwis that occasionally pop up on Have You Been Paying Attention are better on panel shows than Katherine Ryan has ever been. I don't know why. I don't know what deep cultural differences cause North Americans to be totally non-functional on one specific type of TV show.


Once in a while they try to make an American panel show. Sometimes they'll try to sweeten the pot by shoving some successful panel show regulars from British TV on, but it never works. The Fix wasn't as big a train wreck as this, but it wasn't consistently good and I wouldn't recommend it.



Evangeline - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Fair was she to behold, that maiden of seventeen summers.
Black were her eyes as the berry that grows on the thorn by the wayside,
Black, yet how softly they gleamed beneath the brown shade of her tresses!
Sweet was her breath as the breath of kine that feed in the meadows.


This is the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life. I kept trying to read on after this line, but my head was filled with the image of people putting their heads into cows' mouths, taking a deep huff, and screaming "Ahhhhhh!" with pleasure. Or images of a man and a woman in a bar giving each other flirtatious glances. The man walks up to the woman and says, "You have cow's breath."


Anyway, this is the worst poem I have ever seen in my life, but I am giving it 2/5 because of the hilarious and evocative imagery.