Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

My least favourite type of music, by far, is 00s indie rock. I would rather have the sides of my head gouged out than hear extremely privileged white kids whine about their girl problems and pass cringey affectations off as quirky. And here we have, just as the trend was thankfully ending, a movie about a quirky indie rock singer with girl problems.

The nicest and most objective thing I can write about this movie is that when you sit down and think about it, it's not nearly as bad as Hitler.



Grimm's Household Tales - Jacob Grimm and Wilhelm Grimm

The most famous collection of fairy tales, but a long way from being the best. The stories and their messages are weird and unbalanced - not just by the standards of the day - and there are also a couple of antisemitic stories that spoil the whole thing.

When I point something like that out, someone inevitably makes a "it was normal back then" argument, but I've never seen antisemitic stories in any other old folk tale collections and, according to one of the world's top experts, Maria Tatar, no other German collection from the 19th century has any similar stories. Besides that, story books like this are one of the first things to define what normal means for people, and should be held to a very high standard. I'd bet you bottom dollar that most people involved in implementing the Holocaust were introduced to the existence of Jews through this very book. A stain on the genre. A piece of garbage that's best left forgotten.



Metal Gear Solid (1998)

It's the sort of twitchy, old-school game where you're guaranteed to die every couple minutes, without warning, even if you're good. That's fine. Some of those old games are fun. Every time you die, the phone rings. You start to associate the sound of the phone ringing with unexpected death. The problem is, the phone also frequently rings when you DON'T die, and the NPCs just want to chat with you. I don't think English has a word to describe the unpleasantness of a machine training you to have Pavlovian reaction of instant annoyance to a certain sound, and then using that reaction to fuck around with you.


Beyond that, its visuals are dull, its gameplay is repetitive. At one point, for no reason, a naked, unconscious woman has her butt sticking up in the air, which seems more like a joke about a Japanese game developer than something a Japanese game developer would actually do.


I tried to write about how stupid a character Revolver Ocelot is, but every description I came up with made him sound awesome, so I'll just leave you with this video.



Tuca And Bertie (2019)

I think it's tacky to review something when I'm obviously so far out of the intended target demo. I don't want to be like some wilfully-naive critic who complains that an action movie isn't a nuanced drama, or that a comedy isn't a nuanced drama, or that a children's movie isn't a nuanced drama, etc., etc., etc..

On the other hand, the marketing went after Bojack Horseman fans, heavily referenced its behind-the-scenes connections with Bojack, and did not let on, in the slightest, how different a show this was, so I'm sure I'm not the only person to have accidentally watched this.

It's supposed to be the trials and tribulations of two female friends in the city, but there's not much character development and the jokes are so-so. Every frame looks like it was designed to sell "Live Laugh Love" merchandise. I wouldn't be surprised if Facebook starts getting flooded with Bertie and Tuca memes about which diseases vaccinations cause.

A lot of hype was made over multi-ethnic casting. And wow, all the Asians play meek, work-driven geeks and the Black actress plays a sassy idiot who digs through and is covered in garbage. This is a show made by an affluent white woman with the obvious target demo of affluent white women who say "I'm not racist but..."



Trainspotting (1996)

The city I live in is crowded with heroin addicts and none of them look as cool or sexy as in this movie. And they're definitely not jacked like the one guy is. And they never wear sexy short-sleeved clothing because they want to hide their track marks. And they don't have sexy haircuts, or haircuts at all. Instead of cool music and fun and thrills, a more realistic movie would feature a scar-covered homeless person with tangled hair locking himself in a smelly public bathroom stall for most of the day, because that way no one will disturb his high. Probably the most unrealistic thing about this movie is a heroin addict being disgusted with a filthy public toilet.


I'd probably be willing to forgive that if the movie was really good, but it's just another failure of a 90s Tarantino rip-off, that only barely gets by on visuals



The Usual Suspects (1995)

Meh



8 Mile (2002)

A perfect, innocent rap angel is oppressed and beset all sides by the evil devil people who surround him and live only to ruin and destroy him. An unbiased depiction of Eminem's early life.



Jet Force Gemini (1999)
What is he holding?

First you watch a bunch of great-looking cutscenes, then create a save slot (press one button, looks really cool), then sit back for some more cutscenes. Then walk for about 15 seconds, then talk to a guy who offers to show you a long cutscene (psychically). Then your character walks across a large field. Then, after nearly an hour invested, the gameplay finally starts and it is awful.

There's not much going on in terms of level design or game mechanics, so they just made the controls difficult - hyper sensitive and your aim is constantly dragging - to disguise the fact. This is what happens when you spend all your budget on cutscenes.



Super Mario RPG (1996)

I've not liked video games before, but this gave me a special kind of profound disappointment, not commensurate with the ~$5 I payed for it on the Wii Store (RIP).

I spent roughly twenty years hearing about how great this is and hearing it called a classic. It's the same boring Mario look and the same boring Mario plot (Bowser kidnaps the Princess... with a twist). It's the most tedious gameplay a JRPG has ever had, and in a genre that's driven by story, you can't do much with characters whose personalities are one word or less.