Tuca And Bertie (2019)

I think it's tacky to review something when I'm obviously so far out of the intended target demo. I don't want to be like some wilfully-naive critic who complains that an action movie isn't a nuanced drama, or that a comedy isn't a nuanced drama, or that a children's movie isn't a nuanced drama, etc., etc., etc..

On the other hand, the marketing went after Bojack Horseman fans, heavily referenced its behind-the-scenes connections with Bojack, and did not let on, in the slightest, how different a show this was, so I'm sure I'm not the only person to have accidentally watched this.

It's supposed to be the trials and tribulations of two female friends in the city, but there's not much character development and the jokes are so-so. Every frame looks like it was designed to sell "Live Laugh Love" merchandise. I wouldn't be surprised if Facebook starts getting flooded with Bertie and Tuca memes about which diseases vaccinations cause.

A lot of hype was made over multi-ethnic casting. And wow, all the Asians play meek, work-driven geeks and the Black actress plays a sassy idiot who digs through and is covered in garbage. This is a show made by an affluent white woman with the obvious target demo of affluent white women who say "I'm not racist but..."



Trainspotting (1996)

The city I live in is crowded with heroin addicts and none of them look as cool or sexy as in this movie. And they're definitely not jacked like the one guy is. And they never wear sexy short-sleeved clothing because they want to hide their track marks. And they don't have sexy haircuts, or haircuts at all. Instead of cool music and fun and thrills, a more realistic movie would feature a scar-covered homeless person with tangled hair locking himself in a smelly public bathroom stall for most of the day, because that way no one will disturb his high. Probably the most unrealistic thing about this movie is a heroin addict being disgusted with a filthy public toilet.


I'd probably be willing to forgive that if the movie was really good, but it's just another failure of a 90s Tarantino rip-off, that only barely gets by on visuals



The Usual Suspects (1995)

Meh



8 Mile (2002)

A perfect, innocent rap angel is oppressed and beset all sides by the evil devil people who surround him and live only to ruin and destroy him. An unbiased depiction of Eminem's early life.



Jet Force Gemini (1999)
What is he holding?

First you watch a bunch of great-looking cutscenes, then create a save slot (press one button, looks really cool), then sit back for some more cutscenes. Then walk for about 15 seconds, then talk to a guy who offers to show you a long cutscene (psychically). Then your character walks across a large field. Then, after nearly an hour invested, the gameplay finally starts and it is awful.

There's not much going on in terms of level design or game mechanics, so they just made the controls difficult - hyper sensitive and your aim is constantly dragging - to disguise the fact. This is what happens when you spend all your budget on cutscenes.



Super Mario RPG (1996)

I've not liked video games before, but this gave me a special kind of profound disappointment, not commensurate with the ~$5 I payed for it on the Wii Store (RIP).

I spent roughly twenty years hearing about how great this is and hearing it called a classic. It's the same boring Mario look and the same boring Mario plot (Bowser kidnaps the Princess... with a twist). It's the most tedious gameplay a JRPG has ever had, and in a genre that's driven by story, you can't do much with characters whose personalities are one word or less.



Why The Romantics Matter

The second chapter, called 'Romantic Psychology', is a rambling essay about modernism that doesn't even slightly imply what it has to do with the romantics. And as far as essays about modernism goes, it's terrible. It's completely unfocused, pointless, uninteresting, and apparently wasn't even glanced at by an editor. I stopped reading after that.



Paths Of Glory (1957)

Ridiculous. And cowardly. If he'd made this movie about his own country's military, and not an country with fighting on its own soil, he'd have had his career destroyed. If Kubrick hadn't made it, no one would take this seriously.



Live And Let Die (1973)

This has my vote for worst James Bond movie. Even a silly movie like Moonraker has its charms and some good action sequences.


James Bond is completely out-of-place in a blaxploitation film. Roger Moore is bland and obnoxious; he was never the best Bond, but he's a lot more watchable in any other Bond film. Every scene is flat and tiresome and misses the mark. In the dramatic climax, the main villain gets blown up like a balloon (pictured).


In the very last scene, we find out the moral of the story is that Voodoo is real, even though Voodoo was only tangential to the plot. It's like if Godfather ended with Michael turning to the camera and saying, "I guess what we've all learned in these last few months is that oranges are delicious".